ugh

i feel like i want to die so abruptly-
we'll work through this- holy shit
instant worry and paranoia
i know what we have is true- so we can't let this affect us so deeply
it makes me so sad to hear you cry
this kind of thing points directly at my fear
it points directly at me not being good enough for you- which is untrue and wrong
i can't put myself down anymore
it's a hard struggle for you- but it's both of us
we can pull through the adversity because we have love
-it's hard to deal with on both sides- believe this if anything darling
to hear you cry pierces me
i'm trying so hard to piece together what positivity i can in this
and i am good for you love
fuck my life
how can i even get through this forced day now
i could hardly even sleep last night
every word i said was wrong and unwanted and or already said
so- let's deal with it up front once the bad feelings have left
i'm here and not leaving-
it can be simple- i swear it, but i need to step up and show you
help me.

the other night

So after an incredible weekend of straight happiness involving near constant interaction with good people and good sights the contradictory finally bit its teeth into our (me and Emily's) experience. We arrived at my house around 12 after taking down the booth that we shared for three days. We felt really good and were tired. Nathanael and Addie arrived and within maybe a half an hour the yellow puma arrived in its cellophane wrapping out of Nathanael's pocket. I knew in my gut when it was presented to stay away. Lately I have been turned off by the outsider chemical world in general and can hardly smoke without cringing on the inside with paranoia. I felt its evil and knew, but have such a hard time listening to myself. I said, "no" with instinct and was slowly pulled bandwagon style into the night that would be. Unfortunately so was my love. I knew when it kicked in that it wasn't right. and by that time she had already swallowed. Then the night began. Intense waves of strange feeling battered us and the night was full of negatives creeping in and out of the windows. There was some beauty still amongst the fright and me and Gem truly connected towards the beginning in a touch that was powerful beyond words.
We were sick with each other and had to "roll" with it. I will never endanger my luck and my love and take for granted the pure happy over the diluted again. Another lesson. A powerful strange lesson. I'm changed now and know what I need, want, and feel.

In realizing a difference
in a doubt so clear to see
in a never ending cycle
in a strange repeating dream
that we all will take a part of
and in shifting back and forth
like the waving of a hand
to signal and ignore
and in listening to yourself
you find a true answer we mean
and to take a stepping back
and in being what you've seen
and the choices of us all
are making choices to themselves
and are making new excuses
for hands that never held

in truly feeling happy
and in truly feeling sad
and in realizing the difference inside
what you've truly had
so in being fully human
and in doing human things
we parallel ourselves
and become that which we have seen

Let's keep sharing. Let me show you while you show me.
"I've seen the future and we're in it" "You're exactly what I've needed."
You give me hope in an ever-constant madness that surrounds me. Please try hard to feel me darling- because I love you and I mean it.

*

woke up at 10 from a strange nap- felt very alone- needed smokes- called upon adelaide- she was nice enough to help- came back with an energy drink- cleaned the dirty dishes = symbolic for cleaning my mind for the beating i am going to give myself mentally- joseph arrives- brew the pot -drew from 1-2 drinking around a pot while conversing effortlessly under the halo of what the unsure future will bring- painted from 2-6 am- wake up at 11- paint till seven (fathers arrival)- chop a foot off the monstrous walls- load walls and art- head for the city - assemble walls- hang art- paint more (if i have it in me or if the caffeine agrees)- friday through sunday = the Pittsburgh visionary artists festival in which i will try once again to solidify the outward projection in me through the various eyes and minds that view- stay with my precious gem whom i need and want and see-

past weekend was beautiful- fulfilled a temporary emptiness with a liquid understanding and hope- i love her with all those words and feelings and looking forward on i see clearly with a swirling epiphany of being grateful while the swirling negative spits venom

i apologized to kelly over a slight buzz- she spoke of her travels- and the bridge is absolutely destroyed to its very skeleton- a gravel path over water direction pipes- growing up and keeping still and moving all around- my gorgeous girl my- early morning sunrise- my spilling mind- my catlike expressions running into the trees- my ego and inhibition- my memories wrecked by the new change- a glimpse of the future that's already here due to time being one with itself and the freezing summer is nearly over and my eyes are tired- in paint stained hands sticky with enamel- the process of opportunity and the shifting times- the pain in my lungs - the fumes and the smoke- the sky was a pinkish blue as it rose into itself- thinking of you stretching my legs sitting on the entrance slant smoking an early morning strung out cig and blowing my hits through the misty valley air- i am who i convince myself - i am beautiful and i am worth it- if i love myself i'll be free- keep cool in the morning sleep well through your dreams- a night to remember you and me and a toast with no drink to the future that is- amen

my brain right now

What am I missing-
what don't I have-
why am I worried-
why am I afraid-
Should I be-
Who is this person-
is this a competition now-
I'm scared-
I'm alone now and am thinking an awful lot and have been even in my half sleep going to bed and in waking up-
i'm not there to know-
what do I have? is it solid and real-
I think so, but i'm not there-
I went walking last night lagging behind the group-
in the same country i've been stuck in for my life-
always stuck-
smoking a bunch-
should I even question-
am I just paranoid-
yes-
no, it's completely understandable-
no, it's not
what is this bullshit- life is so fucking hard-
how will I do this or that or this-
am I even worth the struggle
wouldn't it be nice to know-
do I even care or should I?

The show I got gem's number.

This was a rather imortant show for me.

Longmore Academy Dr. Dunmire speech and the infamous BELLRAIN recording sessions

Belle and Lorraine: - sorry .WAV files

http://www.sendspace.com/file/uk8s9e
http://www.sendspace.com/file/4z3e4f

DOCTOR JANICE R. DUNMIRE

As you know Doctor Dunmire is resigning as principal as Longmore academy. Which is indefinitely a sad day in the schools history. It is hard to say what that means for the future of the school since we can’t read the future like we can a book and Longmore is so strange. Her presence has been, but another addition to the unique history of a place that has bred all different types of emotions and situations. A place where all different types of people are merged together to learn about life through experience (whether they know it or not or whether they ever realize it). Teachers , faculty, and students alike are all under the constant impression of each other. I have known most only kindness from Miss Dunmire and for that I thank her- I have had an experience at Longmore I can never forget- and she is , but another addition to what I can only describe as an awe inspiring amalgamation of emotion and life. She genuinely cares for the kids and hopefully the next principal can be as showing of that. It is confusing and frustrating in the walls of this building I have come to know so well.

- And now- in speaking directly to you , Doctor Dunmire, I have a favor to ask of you and it is extremely important. Assess your story here- remember the events that took place and the people and really dig deep into the fabric of your experience and dissect it and understand what you’ve learned as a student of life’s strange paths. You were selected as a principality for a school that contains some of the most interesting occurrences and life lessons and people. I can’t know how you feel or why you’re leaving, but I will ask for you to feel grateful to have known Longmore Academy (and its people and existence) the same way I (and others) am/are grateful to have known you. I ask you in whatever may come in your life to be open-minded and creative and not restricted by the confinements of modern societies lies and artificial plastics.’ Be a good influence on people by trying to help them understand a good concept of self.

- Advocate peace and love and take time to say a thank you to the bizarre placement you’ve witnessed and been a direct part in.

I on the other hand have been a blurred figment of your imagination waving a tired hand in the wind praying to escape what is and what isn’t all while being alive looking at myself having already escaped.

So now I'm entering into the comfort period-
and you are truly beauty for me-
I am nearly overwhelmed by my happiness-

I'm pretty on top of my shit now like I can drive to you and I can feel the sigh disappear in my bones- and it was always only me. It has been hard and difficult for good reason to show that you can overcome adversity in a chaos.
I've been given a gift wrapped in a hologram.

Today I get my wisdom's teeth removed from my face.