Wednesday, May 27, 2009

So now I'm entering into the comfort period-
and you are truly beauty for me-
I am nearly overwhelmed by my happiness-

I'm pretty on top of my shit now like I can drive to you and I can feel the sigh disappear in my bones- and it was always only me. It has been hard and difficult for good reason to show that you can overcome adversity in a chaos.
I've been given a gift wrapped in a hologram.

Today I get my wisdom's teeth removed from my face.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

WRCT 3/19/09

These recordings are not so bad- some fuck ups and what not , but it's interesting listen to- I'm progressing I guess
1.sad, sad, apostrophe
2.dimensional analysis, it's better off (sloppy), heart stops
3.oh my god Improv
4.i'm not afraid of the problem
5. cemetary ghost

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I found a queen of hearts on the ground today...

I found the queen of hearts on the ground today...

yesterday was fruitful and happy- productive and whatnot
me and nathanaels band (elementary skull) worked in a new format that kicks ass
organic island space musics - made some shitty-awesome tape recordings
after jamming we relaxed and then went to Josh's
there I sipped on a blue moon 'til the time we spent there grew thin
I had stayed up late talking with gem about different sorts of things smiling
get well in your recent sickness and stay well
it was hard to wake up- this morning and I awoke rather late
and I had no time to get ready so I now feel like shit
I found the queen of hearts on the ground torn in half and weathered
I found it standing vertically in a patch of grass
i found it all alone neglected
it would have entirely deteriorated if not for me
and I had to give it life again-
an object with seemingly no hope
it just seems rather symbolic I suppose

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Apparently I lack empathy-
Or at least I was told so-
In more ways than one I've been the asshole this weekend- but not- apparently
and I shouldn't feel sorry or bad - and if I should try to understand what it means
apparently I just can't- ?
It seems semi-ridiculous to me, but it does make sense.

I had a beautiful weekend though indefinitely with all its components.
Friday we grabbed gem ( Nathanael driving) and headed towards Renfrew-

the night began as an almost awkward- like, what's going to happen-
and surely ( almost inevitably) the night turned to what was a perma-smile in disguise of a purple treeline darling girl,
Saturday morning was the joint and eggs and into the day preparation for the show
The show was fun,
An interesting weekend with gem-
I met her father who lives in a Bohemian wonderland with his unique trinkets and I saw the white guest bedroom and disappeared for a while apparently making Nathanael and Yousko come to the slightly angered epiphany that I lack empathy
It all made me realize- Wow, I need to get my shit together.
I had to fight to go to a simple party after the show when I shouldn't have to rely on them anyways. Nathanael is too good to me- he's been basically saving me.
I am grateful for their help, but then I realize the burden I've placed on my friends.
I'm fucking 18 now.
I have to leave gem knowing I must wait, every time now-
And it is now harder and harder every time,
I can't even buy my own fucking pack of cigarettes, and bitch bitch complain bitch woe is me
How long must I wait.

understanding and entering into another's feelings

We went to the party, I got sloshed mixing tequila and rum- yeah.
anyways there was a dude with a thin inside out shirt with Hebrew writing that talked about new beginnings and I jumped around my head a lot and had some off-kilter conversations with some people I hardly know- some way more interesting than others- I played the asshole that night with the great party idea assuming a change of scenery from the valley would be good- with the tired one and the irritable pessimist.
Why though, you know- why was I so into the idea of going- my thoughts ran around that idea quite a lot- and gem.

Sunday was early KK session and the empathy lecture began where I thought a lot of how I had treated them ( and just about my life in general) and I realized we should have never went to the party at all like you had said. I don't regret it, but I played the asshole who imposed myself entirely on their feelings and was totally just in my mood- which is what i guess they mean- but whatever- I felt bad , but they wouldn't let me say sorry in respect for my feelings. weird.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

distant voice calls me through a tunnel

grabbing onto railings on rickety stairs

replying to questions and asking a day to be kind

-all while keeping a calm I'm not used to

every night is like this now

last night I hung up the phone and thought I hadn't in a half-sleep.

I thought I had fallen asleep talking, so when I awoke and realized

I searched frantically for the phone and couldn't find it,

so i leapt up to the light switch to find the phone on the ground

I picked up and called and left a message-

and upon hanging up I realized I had distinctly said goodbye.

I thought I was still talking to you.

No dreams in sleep- Just dreams while I'm awake.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Nice sun this morning.

Last night was strange and possibly showing towards what I've needed.

There was definitely some figure eight emotions thrown around.

-Honesty has always been good and real.

It's hard to be honest with even yourself and truth is hard when you expect to be judged.

With the way people are now {closed minded, hurtful} how are you supposed to react.

Life is not television and things that aren't "normal"

should be able to be addressed just the same.

My past is riddled just the same.

My present is riddled with mysteries of an upcoming question answered.

I feel more confident now for the first time though because I know that I'm not alone in being a bizarre human.

I hardly heard any of the tarot reading nor did I know the question, but i knew it was right.

You say things for a reason- even if they're lies.

You don't define good or innocence or beauty-

Your brain just goes wild inside with it's interpretations due to environment and past experiences and your idea of what others would think.

I'm always waiting, and it is so annoying.

I always hated the lobby.