-

Hopefully not the last gift.
I'll let you do what you need-
I hope you come back, but if not i'll spend the longest winter of my life,
biting my fingernails with a broken heart.
,but it's not all about me.
I want you to be happy and know you want me
,but you're so young that you don't know what you want.
and I can not keep you from figuring that out- but I hope it's me.
I miss you already.
crossing my fingers in an absolute worry and thought.
I wish I would have acted differently, but I'm a wreck.
Maybe I don't love myself enough.
I don't want this to be the death.
I feel as if I'm grieving.
I'm going to get my shit together.
With a job and a warm house to live in.
I'm going to go to school eventually-
deal with the shit so I can thrive.
Those who can not endure the bad will not live to see the good.
The man on top of the mountain did not fall there.
Every one tried to tell me- but I'm too stubborn.
Another fucked episode in the life of Dean Cercone.
It's so hard to be stable and lazy at the same time.
I'm losing my Gem- and I am so sad.

face it

confronted with flames destroying your face-
but in being forced to withstand it all becoming hardened like clay you numb-
a liquid tear drips from a solid eye
and you stand still-
your whole life it breaks you apart-
but in being forced to withstand it all you become who you are-
weakness strikes every part of your weary mind
fighting an imaginary battle; a manifested problem-
and losing.
and then coming to terms with losing-
worthless, hopeless, and still
there is always light at a distance from the mindfuck at hand though,
and I am beautiful.
I don't deserve any of this and I am not wrong

A House

I live in a large house-
with three other female individuals-
one (Alecia) is the organized worker-
she is specifically anal-
and does not think like I do and can be very mean.
There is the straight forward learning one (Gena) who is more lazed
and kind of confused and less emotional than that of-
my felow Sagittarius housemate Liz-
who is much more emotional and experienced yet is very sad deeply
she has a very true glow inside of her, and I have befriended her quite well.
I have moved to the city of Pittsburgh.
A place I have revolved my mind around quite a bit- in the past.
Now I am here.
I feel very different here- all entangled in different peoples emotions.
I am deeply in love- that is what brought me here.
I am poor- I am less productive and I am swaying.
A young beautiful girl with so much to learn- my sweet Emily.
A deep confusion resides in her I feel stemming from the separartion of her beautiful parents and her past. A sort of resentment that is boiling in her 16 year old brain.
Emily's beauty rivals that of the calm after a storm when light forces its entrance through the clouds and through distant rains to create a rainbow overlooking a field of flowers in the summer.
My wish is for her to be happy. I want to be happy too- I wish I knew better what I need to do or even better to motivate myself to do now what I know I need to do.
I need to send my life outwards into this world so I don't rot.
Existence is just there- it jumps out at you sometimes- and you get scared.
There are so many restrictions on "living" once you get past how hard it is to deal with existence. And then there are other lives.
Is there something wrong with "I"?


ser⋅pent  /ˈsɜrpənt/ –noun
1. a snake.
2. a wily, treacherous, or malicious person.
3. the Devil; Satan. Gen. 3:1–5.
4. a firework that burns with serpentine motion or flame.
5. an obsolete wooden wind instrument with a serpentine shape and a deep, coarse tone. Compare ophicleide.
6. (initial capital letter) Astronomy. the constellation Serpens.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1250–1300; ME (< MF) < L serpent-, s. of serpēns; see Serpens

e⋅go  /ˈigoʊ, ˈɛgoʊ/ –noun, plural e⋅gos.
1. the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.
2. Psychoanalysis. the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.
3. egotism; conceit; self-importance: Her ego becomes more unbearable each day.
4. self-esteem or self-image; feelings: Your criticism wounded his ego.
5. (often initial capital letter) Philosophy. a. the enduring and conscious element that knows experience.
b. Scholasticism. the complete person comprising both body and soul.

6. Ethnology. a person who serves as the central reference point in the study of organizational and kinship relationships.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1780–90; < L: I; psychoanalytic term is trans. of G (das) Ich (the) I

ugh

i feel like i want to die so abruptly-
we'll work through this- holy shit
instant worry and paranoia
i know what we have is true- so we can't let this affect us so deeply
it makes me so sad to hear you cry
this kind of thing points directly at my fear
it points directly at me not being good enough for you- which is untrue and wrong
i can't put myself down anymore
it's a hard struggle for you- but it's both of us
we can pull through the adversity because we have love
-it's hard to deal with on both sides- believe this if anything darling
to hear you cry pierces me
i'm trying so hard to piece together what positivity i can in this
and i am good for you love
fuck my life
how can i even get through this forced day now
i could hardly even sleep last night
every word i said was wrong and unwanted and or already said
so- let's deal with it up front once the bad feelings have left
i'm here and not leaving-
it can be simple- i swear it, but i need to step up and show you
help me.

the other night

So after an incredible weekend of straight happiness involving near constant interaction with good people and good sights the contradictory finally bit its teeth into our (me and Emily's) experience. We arrived at my house around 12 after taking down the booth that we shared for three days. We felt really good and were tired. Nathanael and Addie arrived and within maybe a half an hour the yellow puma arrived in its cellophane wrapping out of Nathanael's pocket. I knew in my gut when it was presented to stay away. Lately I have been turned off by the outsider chemical world in general and can hardly smoke without cringing on the inside with paranoia. I felt its evil and knew, but have such a hard time listening to myself. I said, "no" with instinct and was slowly pulled bandwagon style into the night that would be. Unfortunately so was my love. I knew when it kicked in that it wasn't right. and by that time she had already swallowed. Then the night began. Intense waves of strange feeling battered us and the night was full of negatives creeping in and out of the windows. There was some beauty still amongst the fright and me and Gem truly connected towards the beginning in a touch that was powerful beyond words.
We were sick with each other and had to "roll" with it. I will never endanger my luck and my love and take for granted the pure happy over the diluted again. Another lesson. A powerful strange lesson. I'm changed now and know what I need, want, and feel.

In realizing a difference
in a doubt so clear to see
in a never ending cycle
in a strange repeating dream
that we all will take a part of
and in shifting back and forth
like the waving of a hand
to signal and ignore
and in listening to yourself
you find a true answer we mean
and to take a stepping back
and in being what you've seen
and the choices of us all
are making choices to themselves
and are making new excuses
for hands that never held

in truly feeling happy
and in truly feeling sad
and in realizing the difference inside
what you've truly had
so in being fully human
and in doing human things
we parallel ourselves
and become that which we have seen

Let's keep sharing. Let me show you while you show me.
"I've seen the future and we're in it" "You're exactly what I've needed."
You give me hope in an ever-constant madness that surrounds me. Please try hard to feel me darling- because I love you and I mean it.

*

woke up at 10 from a strange nap- felt very alone- needed smokes- called upon adelaide- she was nice enough to help- came back with an energy drink- cleaned the dirty dishes = symbolic for cleaning my mind for the beating i am going to give myself mentally- joseph arrives- brew the pot -drew from 1-2 drinking around a pot while conversing effortlessly under the halo of what the unsure future will bring- painted from 2-6 am- wake up at 11- paint till seven (fathers arrival)- chop a foot off the monstrous walls- load walls and art- head for the city - assemble walls- hang art- paint more (if i have it in me or if the caffeine agrees)- friday through sunday = the Pittsburgh visionary artists festival in which i will try once again to solidify the outward projection in me through the various eyes and minds that view- stay with my precious gem whom i need and want and see-

past weekend was beautiful- fulfilled a temporary emptiness with a liquid understanding and hope- i love her with all those words and feelings and looking forward on i see clearly with a swirling epiphany of being grateful while the swirling negative spits venom

i apologized to kelly over a slight buzz- she spoke of her travels- and the bridge is absolutely destroyed to its very skeleton- a gravel path over water direction pipes- growing up and keeping still and moving all around- my gorgeous girl my- early morning sunrise- my spilling mind- my catlike expressions running into the trees- my ego and inhibition- my memories wrecked by the new change- a glimpse of the future that's already here due to time being one with itself and the freezing summer is nearly over and my eyes are tired- in paint stained hands sticky with enamel- the process of opportunity and the shifting times- the pain in my lungs - the fumes and the smoke- the sky was a pinkish blue as it rose into itself- thinking of you stretching my legs sitting on the entrance slant smoking an early morning strung out cig and blowing my hits through the misty valley air- i am who i convince myself - i am beautiful and i am worth it- if i love myself i'll be free- keep cool in the morning sleep well through your dreams- a night to remember you and me and a toast with no drink to the future that is- amen

my brain right now

What am I missing-
what don't I have-
why am I worried-
why am I afraid-
Should I be-
Who is this person-
is this a competition now-
I'm scared-
I'm alone now and am thinking an awful lot and have been even in my half sleep going to bed and in waking up-
i'm not there to know-
what do I have? is it solid and real-
I think so, but i'm not there-
I went walking last night lagging behind the group-
in the same country i've been stuck in for my life-
always stuck-
smoking a bunch-
should I even question-
am I just paranoid-
yes-
no, it's completely understandable-
no, it's not
what is this bullshit- life is so fucking hard-
how will I do this or that or this-
am I even worth the struggle
wouldn't it be nice to know-
do I even care or should I?