-

Hopefully not the last gift.
I'll let you do what you need-
I hope you come back, but if not i'll spend the longest winter of my life,
biting my fingernails with a broken heart.
,but it's not all about me.
I want you to be happy and know you want me
,but you're so young that you don't know what you want.
and I can not keep you from figuring that out- but I hope it's me.
I miss you already.
crossing my fingers in an absolute worry and thought.
I wish I would have acted differently, but I'm a wreck.
Maybe I don't love myself enough.
I don't want this to be the death.
I feel as if I'm grieving.
I'm going to get my shit together.
With a job and a warm house to live in.
I'm going to go to school eventually-
deal with the shit so I can thrive.
Those who can not endure the bad will not live to see the good.
The man on top of the mountain did not fall there.
Every one tried to tell me- but I'm too stubborn.
Another fucked episode in the life of Dean Cercone.
It's so hard to be stable and lazy at the same time.
I'm losing my Gem- and I am so sad.

face it

confronted with flames destroying your face-
but in being forced to withstand it all becoming hardened like clay you numb-
a liquid tear drips from a solid eye
and you stand still-
your whole life it breaks you apart-
but in being forced to withstand it all you become who you are-
weakness strikes every part of your weary mind
fighting an imaginary battle; a manifested problem-
and losing.
and then coming to terms with losing-
worthless, hopeless, and still
there is always light at a distance from the mindfuck at hand though,
and I am beautiful.
I don't deserve any of this and I am not wrong

A House

I live in a large house-
with three other female individuals-
one (Alecia) is the organized worker-
she is specifically anal-
and does not think like I do and can be very mean.
There is the straight forward learning one (Gena) who is more lazed
and kind of confused and less emotional than that of-
my felow Sagittarius housemate Liz-
who is much more emotional and experienced yet is very sad deeply
she has a very true glow inside of her, and I have befriended her quite well.
I have moved to the city of Pittsburgh.
A place I have revolved my mind around quite a bit- in the past.
Now I am here.
I feel very different here- all entangled in different peoples emotions.
I am deeply in love- that is what brought me here.
I am poor- I am less productive and I am swaying.
A young beautiful girl with so much to learn- my sweet Emily.
A deep confusion resides in her I feel stemming from the separartion of her beautiful parents and her past. A sort of resentment that is boiling in her 16 year old brain.
Emily's beauty rivals that of the calm after a storm when light forces its entrance through the clouds and through distant rains to create a rainbow overlooking a field of flowers in the summer.
My wish is for her to be happy. I want to be happy too- I wish I knew better what I need to do or even better to motivate myself to do now what I know I need to do.
I need to send my life outwards into this world so I don't rot.
Existence is just there- it jumps out at you sometimes- and you get scared.
There are so many restrictions on "living" once you get past how hard it is to deal with existence. And then there are other lives.
Is there something wrong with "I"?


ser⋅pent  /ˈsɜrpənt/ –noun
1. a snake.
2. a wily, treacherous, or malicious person.
3. the Devil; Satan. Gen. 3:1–5.
4. a firework that burns with serpentine motion or flame.
5. an obsolete wooden wind instrument with a serpentine shape and a deep, coarse tone. Compare ophicleide.
6. (initial capital letter) Astronomy. the constellation Serpens.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1250–1300; ME (< MF) < L serpent-, s. of serpēns; see Serpens

e⋅go  /ˈigoʊ, ˈɛgoʊ/ –noun, plural e⋅gos.
1. the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.
2. Psychoanalysis. the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.
3. egotism; conceit; self-importance: Her ego becomes more unbearable each day.
4. self-esteem or self-image; feelings: Your criticism wounded his ego.
5. (often initial capital letter) Philosophy. a. the enduring and conscious element that knows experience.
b. Scholasticism. the complete person comprising both body and soul.

6. Ethnology. a person who serves as the central reference point in the study of organizational and kinship relationships.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1780–90; < L: I; psychoanalytic term is trans. of G (das) Ich (the) I

ugh

i feel like i want to die so abruptly-
we'll work through this- holy shit
instant worry and paranoia
i know what we have is true- so we can't let this affect us so deeply
it makes me so sad to hear you cry
this kind of thing points directly at my fear
it points directly at me not being good enough for you- which is untrue and wrong
i can't put myself down anymore
it's a hard struggle for you- but it's both of us
we can pull through the adversity because we have love
-it's hard to deal with on both sides- believe this if anything darling
to hear you cry pierces me
i'm trying so hard to piece together what positivity i can in this
and i am good for you love
fuck my life
how can i even get through this forced day now
i could hardly even sleep last night
every word i said was wrong and unwanted and or already said
so- let's deal with it up front once the bad feelings have left
i'm here and not leaving-
it can be simple- i swear it, but i need to step up and show you
help me.

the other night

So after an incredible weekend of straight happiness involving near constant interaction with good people and good sights the contradictory finally bit its teeth into our (me and Emily's) experience. We arrived at my house around 12 after taking down the booth that we shared for three days. We felt really good and were tired. Nathanael and Addie arrived and within maybe a half an hour the yellow puma arrived in its cellophane wrapping out of Nathanael's pocket. I knew in my gut when it was presented to stay away. Lately I have been turned off by the outsider chemical world in general and can hardly smoke without cringing on the inside with paranoia. I felt its evil and knew, but have such a hard time listening to myself. I said, "no" with instinct and was slowly pulled bandwagon style into the night that would be. Unfortunately so was my love. I knew when it kicked in that it wasn't right. and by that time she had already swallowed. Then the night began. Intense waves of strange feeling battered us and the night was full of negatives creeping in and out of the windows. There was some beauty still amongst the fright and me and Gem truly connected towards the beginning in a touch that was powerful beyond words.
We were sick with each other and had to "roll" with it. I will never endanger my luck and my love and take for granted the pure happy over the diluted again. Another lesson. A powerful strange lesson. I'm changed now and know what I need, want, and feel.

In realizing a difference
in a doubt so clear to see
in a never ending cycle
in a strange repeating dream
that we all will take a part of
and in shifting back and forth
like the waving of a hand
to signal and ignore
and in listening to yourself
you find a true answer we mean
and to take a stepping back
and in being what you've seen
and the choices of us all
are making choices to themselves
and are making new excuses
for hands that never held

in truly feeling happy
and in truly feeling sad
and in realizing the difference inside
what you've truly had
so in being fully human
and in doing human things
we parallel ourselves
and become that which we have seen

Let's keep sharing. Let me show you while you show me.
"I've seen the future and we're in it" "You're exactly what I've needed."
You give me hope in an ever-constant madness that surrounds me. Please try hard to feel me darling- because I love you and I mean it.

*

woke up at 10 from a strange nap- felt very alone- needed smokes- called upon adelaide- she was nice enough to help- came back with an energy drink- cleaned the dirty dishes = symbolic for cleaning my mind for the beating i am going to give myself mentally- joseph arrives- brew the pot -drew from 1-2 drinking around a pot while conversing effortlessly under the halo of what the unsure future will bring- painted from 2-6 am- wake up at 11- paint till seven (fathers arrival)- chop a foot off the monstrous walls- load walls and art- head for the city - assemble walls- hang art- paint more (if i have it in me or if the caffeine agrees)- friday through sunday = the Pittsburgh visionary artists festival in which i will try once again to solidify the outward projection in me through the various eyes and minds that view- stay with my precious gem whom i need and want and see-

past weekend was beautiful- fulfilled a temporary emptiness with a liquid understanding and hope- i love her with all those words and feelings and looking forward on i see clearly with a swirling epiphany of being grateful while the swirling negative spits venom

i apologized to kelly over a slight buzz- she spoke of her travels- and the bridge is absolutely destroyed to its very skeleton- a gravel path over water direction pipes- growing up and keeping still and moving all around- my gorgeous girl my- early morning sunrise- my spilling mind- my catlike expressions running into the trees- my ego and inhibition- my memories wrecked by the new change- a glimpse of the future that's already here due to time being one with itself and the freezing summer is nearly over and my eyes are tired- in paint stained hands sticky with enamel- the process of opportunity and the shifting times- the pain in my lungs - the fumes and the smoke- the sky was a pinkish blue as it rose into itself- thinking of you stretching my legs sitting on the entrance slant smoking an early morning strung out cig and blowing my hits through the misty valley air- i am who i convince myself - i am beautiful and i am worth it- if i love myself i'll be free- keep cool in the morning sleep well through your dreams- a night to remember you and me and a toast with no drink to the future that is- amen

my brain right now

What am I missing-
what don't I have-
why am I worried-
why am I afraid-
Should I be-
Who is this person-
is this a competition now-
I'm scared-
I'm alone now and am thinking an awful lot and have been even in my half sleep going to bed and in waking up-
i'm not there to know-
what do I have? is it solid and real-
I think so, but i'm not there-
I went walking last night lagging behind the group-
in the same country i've been stuck in for my life-
always stuck-
smoking a bunch-
should I even question-
am I just paranoid-
yes-
no, it's completely understandable-
no, it's not
what is this bullshit- life is so fucking hard-
how will I do this or that or this-
am I even worth the struggle
wouldn't it be nice to know-
do I even care or should I?

The show I got gem's number.

This was a rather imortant show for me.

Longmore Academy Dr. Dunmire speech and the infamous BELLRAIN recording sessions

Belle and Lorraine: - sorry .WAV files

http://www.sendspace.com/file/uk8s9e
http://www.sendspace.com/file/4z3e4f

DOCTOR JANICE R. DUNMIRE

As you know Doctor Dunmire is resigning as principal as Longmore academy. Which is indefinitely a sad day in the schools history. It is hard to say what that means for the future of the school since we can’t read the future like we can a book and Longmore is so strange. Her presence has been, but another addition to the unique history of a place that has bred all different types of emotions and situations. A place where all different types of people are merged together to learn about life through experience (whether they know it or not or whether they ever realize it). Teachers , faculty, and students alike are all under the constant impression of each other. I have known most only kindness from Miss Dunmire and for that I thank her- I have had an experience at Longmore I can never forget- and she is , but another addition to what I can only describe as an awe inspiring amalgamation of emotion and life. She genuinely cares for the kids and hopefully the next principal can be as showing of that. It is confusing and frustrating in the walls of this building I have come to know so well.

- And now- in speaking directly to you , Doctor Dunmire, I have a favor to ask of you and it is extremely important. Assess your story here- remember the events that took place and the people and really dig deep into the fabric of your experience and dissect it and understand what you’ve learned as a student of life’s strange paths. You were selected as a principality for a school that contains some of the most interesting occurrences and life lessons and people. I can’t know how you feel or why you’re leaving, but I will ask for you to feel grateful to have known Longmore Academy (and its people and existence) the same way I (and others) am/are grateful to have known you. I ask you in whatever may come in your life to be open-minded and creative and not restricted by the confinements of modern societies lies and artificial plastics.’ Be a good influence on people by trying to help them understand a good concept of self.

- Advocate peace and love and take time to say a thank you to the bizarre placement you’ve witnessed and been a direct part in.

I on the other hand have been a blurred figment of your imagination waving a tired hand in the wind praying to escape what is and what isn’t all while being alive looking at myself having already escaped.

So now I'm entering into the comfort period-
and you are truly beauty for me-
I am nearly overwhelmed by my happiness-

I'm pretty on top of my shit now like I can drive to you and I can feel the sigh disappear in my bones- and it was always only me. It has been hard and difficult for good reason to show that you can overcome adversity in a chaos.
I've been given a gift wrapped in a hologram.

Today I get my wisdom's teeth removed from my face.

WRCT 3/19/09

These recordings are not so bad- some fuck ups and what not , but it's interesting listen to- I'm progressing I guess
1.sad, sad, apostrophe
2.dimensional analysis, it's better off (sloppy), heart stops
3.oh my god Improv
4.i'm not afraid of the problem
5. cemetary ghost
http://www.sendspace.com/file/2l2gq3

I found a queen of hearts on the ground today...

I found the queen of hearts on the ground today...

yesterday was fruitful and happy- productive and whatnot

me and nathanaels band (elementary skull) worked in a new format that kicks ass

organic island space musics - made some shitty-awesome tape recordings

after jamming we relaxed and then went to Josh's

there I sipped on a blue moon 'til the time we spent there grew thin
I had stayed up late talking with gem about different sorts of things smiling

get well in your recent sickness and stay well

it was hard to wake up- this morning and I awoke rather late

and I had no time to get ready so I now feel like shit

I found the queen of hearts on the ground torn in half and weathered

I found it standing vertically in a patch of grass

i found it all alone neglected

it would have entirely deteriorated if not for me

and I had to give it life again-

an object with seemingly no hope

it just seems rather symbolic I suppose

empathy?

Apparently I lack empathy-
Or at least I was told so-
In more ways than one I've been the asshole this weekend- but not- apparently
and I shouldn't feel sorry or bad - and if I should try to understand what it means
apparently I just can't- ?
It seems semi-ridiculous to me, but it does make sense.

I had a beautiful weekend though indefinitely with all its components.
Friday we grabbed gem ( Nathanael driving) and headed towards Renfrew-

the night began as an almost awkward- like, what's going to happen-
and surely ( almost inevitably) the night turned to what was a perma-smile in disguise of a purple treeline darling girl,
Saturday morning was the joint and eggs and into the day preparation for the show
The show was fun,
An interesting weekend with gem-
I met her father who lives in a Bohemian wonderland with his unique trinkets and I saw the white guest bedroom and disappeared for a while apparently making Nathanael and Yousko come to the slightly angered epiphany that I lack empathy
It all made me realize- Wow, I need to get my shit together.
I had to fight to go to a simple party after the show when I shouldn't have to rely on them anyways. Nathanael is too good to me- he's been basically saving me.
I am grateful for their help, but then I realize the burden I've placed on my friends.
I'm fucking 18 now.
I have to leave gem knowing I must wait, every time now-
And it is now harder and harder every time,
I can't even buy my own fucking pack of cigarettes, and bitch bitch complain bitch woe is me
How long must I wait.

empathy

noun

understanding and entering into another's feelings

We went to the party, I got sloshed mixing tequila and rum- yeah.
anyways there was a dude with a thin inside out shirt with Hebrew writing that talked about new beginnings and I jumped around my head a lot and had some off-kilter conversations with some people I hardly know- some way more interesting than others- I played the asshole that night with the great party idea assuming a change of scenery from the valley would be good- with the tired one and the irritable pessimist.
Why though, you know- why was I so into the idea of going- my thoughts ran around that idea quite a lot- and gem.

Sunday was early KK session and the empathy lecture began where I thought a lot of how I had treated them ( and just about my life in general) and I realized we should have never went to the party at all like you had said. I don't regret it, but I played the asshole who imposed myself entirely on their feelings and was totally just in my mood- which is what i guess they mean- but whatever- I felt bad , but they wouldn't let me say sorry in respect for my feelings. weird.

distant voice calls me through a tunnel

grabbing onto railings on rickety stairs

replying to questions and asking a day to be kind

-all while keeping a calm I'm not used to

every night is like this now

last night I hung up the phone and thought I hadn't in a half-sleep.

I thought I had fallen asleep talking, so when I awoke and realized

I searched frantically for the phone and couldn't find it,

so i leapt up to the light switch to find the phone on the ground

I picked up and called and left a message-

and upon hanging up I realized I had distinctly said goodbye.

I thought I was still talking to you.

No dreams in sleep- Just dreams while I'm awake.

hmm...

Nice sun this morning.

Last night was strange and possibly showing towards what I've needed.

There was definitely some figure eight emotions thrown around.

-Honesty has always been good and real.

It's hard to be honest with even yourself and truth is hard when you expect to be judged.

With the way people are now {closed minded, hurtful} how are you supposed to react.

Life is not television and things that aren't "normal"

should be able to be addressed just the same.

My past is riddled just the same.

My present is riddled with mysteries of an upcoming question answered.

I feel more confident now for the first time though because I know that I'm not alone in being a bizarre human.

I hardly heard any of the tarot reading nor did I know the question, but i knew it was right.

You say things for a reason- even if they're lies.

You don't define good or innocence or beauty-

Your brain just goes wild inside with it's interpretations due to environment and past experiences and your idea of what others would think.

I'm always waiting, and it is so annoying.

I always hated the lobby.

Interesting.

again

These images are photo manipulations I've made on my account at Longmore over time.

So, i am now attempting to drain some frustration mid-school day at Longmore Academy.

This past weekend was beautiful and brought gifts of sunlights and possibly once again another attempt at having some sort of girls presence in my life.

I look forward to these times, but also dread them due to my insufficient pathetic run away patterns of dealing with my flaws.

Yesterday, I had a fine day at school - one that involved sun and did the cliche rain as soon as school ends. I got home and napped only to wake bitter to CMT blasting on every television in my household {a semi-common event}. I was so irritable that over dinner I said an evil thing thing to my mom - I think- as a product of being scared of it all. I am so tired of being afraid to have a simple human problem and I only keep getting older. It is rediculous to make a big deal of it. I shouldn't let these things get buried so deep into my head that it affects my entire self.

--But the white blossoms are alive and that could be symbolic. I need positivity badly. I need deep acceptance.

This morning I was bitter once again- gray skies for a week is what they call for. Thursday I take my drivers test which will cement my destiny as human being it seems. FUCK.

pictographs and' music

It's not that i'm to busy to edit this blog a lot. It's that I am lazy. Heres some tracks i recorded of old songs drunk at my friend josh's house- an improv with me and josh and couple of my band brother my live at the Garfield Artworks.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/3cyia0

STAGNANT ALMOST

Almost productive in this ice land- decently happy all the same.
I have nothing really terrible to complain about- tryin' to break the "all I do is bitch thing."
Making audible constructions- I almost painted last night, but still haven't painted.
I have enough time to drink and smoke pot though.
Sound has been so good to me this winter.
I love the sound, thank you "x".
Made some classic comedy at the Butler apartment with Joshua. (soon to be posted.)
Drank some vodka last night, and went to Edinboro to visit Jeff today with Steig-Blossom.
Met a square.
Had an epiphany having to deal with me extending myself through physical objects like a virus.
Starting to think I'll never see the opposite again-
the opposite, the opposite- -
Do i want? Or do I need?





I put a new song up on the myspaces network. It's called "who is the greatest one (why won't you let me go)". It's about overcoming yourself in a battle against yourself within yourself and recognizing your power while realizing your nothing. Trrrripppppy, maaaan.
Better pictures coming soon from these little moments as well.
Still am postponing on behalf of tiredness and procrastination the second half of the last entry.

The city, recent news- my thoughts- some free songs pt.1

t



Our trip to Philadelphia was a good one. I enjoyed it. I like Pittsburgh much more though. I like the vibe and it feels more comfortable for me. I could see indefinitely how people could call it home though. The universities are great and so are the arts that decorate the buildings all around that big city. Josh , Kara and I took a deadly adventure into a ridiculous snowstorm to go to Philly to see Temple University and see a ridiculous adult swim comedy (that was astonishing). We stayed with kind hearted people who were all cute in their little light blue apartment. South Philadeplhia. -and the drive back was a new peek at the state I love. The great Pennsylvanian expanse- so, so nice.


Also here is my last live show in a compressed folder for download
Gooski's january 23 2009
http://www.sendspace.com/file/xxzr9i
and here are the recordings of my potential upcoming band with Noland and Josh, I think a settled name is, "brother my"
http://www.sendspace.com/file/l31fjz

The photos up there are a little mixed up chronologically and this is only part one of an entire entry I'm too tired to write- pce & lve -deano

January 14th -16th 2009-

January 14th - Josh, M.J., and I jammed in some kind of cold to the constant humming buzz of kerosene fumes. The night was fresh being that it was like frozen in a negative Fahrenheit type of way. I felt good and we made some neat sounds. Schvee, Derek, and Nathanael were stiff frozen and our feet were frozen just the same so we proceeded to head inside where consequently the night died and the people lost their cold buzz. How do nights just die? People claim that once you get out of high school nights lose their significance, but I think they're delusional.


January 16th- I played at the Garfield artworks with Rock Rifle, Jenn Gooch, David Karsten Daniels, and the Lampshades. It was so very, very cold in a Pittsburgh way. I was happy, but even when I was warm it seemed I was shivering. I was a rigid nervous cold. A pretty usual crowd of supportive awesome friends tagged along- I love when they do. Carrying the equipment in the bitter cold was a bitch so you can probably guess how little practice I've been getting in this weather. While carrying my tom drum I slipped on the ice and slammed my hip so hard I thought my organs were bleeding causing a discomfort nearly the whole night through. The acts were great. I played like a nervous wreck in a dischord state that was somehow enjoyable to the people. I kept my cool kind of and acted confident enough that the people enjoyed it I guess. I played on the side of the artworks instead of the stage which allowed movement to arise. I loved the crowd that was there too. A lot of sincere and a lot of cute and fun music. David Karsten Daniels (http://www.myspace.com/davidkarstendaniels) was the travelling act and you could see it in his weary kind eyes. Being in my jumpiness I must have seemed a bit overwhelming and awkward, but all the same he kept about his calm way. I admired the bits of wisdom his mind contained and the way he used those wisdoms in his projection. Rock Rifle is always cute and lovable and they are such nice people. Their music is semi-disorganized and her band members sway. Emily- Albert and Blakely I believe were their names and they all are good people and interesting ones too. It's a shame to have such little time to talk with people at these events. I have wanted to see Jenn Gooch (www.myspace.com/jenngoochandbanja) for a while. Her music is beautifully rattled on a baritone banjo and her songs remind me bits of my old, old music and brought up campfires memories. The Lampshades were a fun talented batch with something to offer that is forming and forming and will keep on if they stay together. Their lead singer Jaren was very talented and had some good soul. With the semi-primitive approach they had they were a perfect end to a good night with a bruised hip.
next friday i'm playing at the Gooski's bar with one of my favorite Pittsburgh musicians Samuel Pace and his band Italian Ice. i'll post the flyer, Peace and love.